CHAPTER 22

Why So Many Rules?

Name some rules that exist in your family. ․․․․․

Do you think family rules are always fair?

□ Yes □ No

Which rule do you find the most difficult to obey? ․․․․․

 HOUSE RULES, as they’re sometimes called, are the dos and don’ts that your parents have set for you. Such rules may include requirements about homework, chores, and curfews, as well as restrictions on your use of the phone, the TV, and the computer. Some rules may extend beyond the walls of your home to include your behavior at school and your choice of friends.

Do you feel hemmed in by these restrictions? Perhaps you can relate to the following youths:

“My curfew used to drive me crazy! I hated it when others were allowed to stay out later than I was.”​—Allen.

“It’s horrible having your cell-phone calls monitored. I feel that I’m being treated like a child!”​—Elizabeth.

“I felt that my parents were trying to wreck my social life, as though they didn’t want me to have any friends!”​—Nicole.

While young people often find themselves on the wrong side of their parents’ rules, most youths acknowledge that some regulations are needed to prevent total chaos. But if house rules are necessary, why are some of them so annoying?

“I’m Not a Baby Anymore!”

Perhaps you chafe at rules because you feel that you’re being treated like a child. You want to cry out, “I’m not a baby anymore!” Of course, your parents probably feel that their rules are vital if they are to protect you and prepare you for the responsibilities of adulthood.

Still, it might seem as if the rules in your home have not “grown up” as much as you have. You might feel restricted, as did a girl named Brielle, who said of her parents: “They have completely forgotten what it’s like to be  my age. They don’t want me to have my say, make a choice, or be an adult.” A youth named Allison feels similarly. “My parents don’t seem to understand that I’m 18 years old and not 10,” she says. “They need to trust me more!”

House rules can be especially painful to submit to if your siblings seem to be given more lenient treatment. For example, recalling his teen years, a young man named Matthew says of his younger sister and his cousins, “The girls got away with ‘murder’!”

No Rules?

Understandably, you may long for a life out from under your parents’ authority. But would you really be better off without their restrictions? You probably know youths your age who can stay out as late as they want, can wear anything they like, and can go with their friends whenever and wherever it suits them. Perhaps the parents are simply too busy to notice what their children are doing. In any case, the Bible shows that this approach to child-rearing will not be successful. (Proverbs  29:15) The lack of love you see in the world is largely due to its self-centered people, many of whom were raised in homes without restraint.​—2 Timothy 3:1-5.

Rather than envying youths who are allowed to do as they please, try to see your parents’ rules as evidence of their love and concern for you. By enforcing reasonable limits, they’re imitating Jehovah God, who said to his people: “I shall make you have insight and instruct you in the way you should go. I will give advice with my eye upon you.”​—Psalm 32:8.

At times, though, you may feel overwhelmed by your parents’ rules. How can you gain some relief?

Communication That Works

Whether you want to gain more freedom or just reduce your frustration with the limits your parents now place on you, the key is good communication. ‘But I’ve tried talking to my parents, and it just doesn’t work!’ some might say. If that’s how you feel, ask yourself, ‘Could I improve my communication skills?’ Communication is a vital tool that can (1) help others to understand you or (2) help you to understand why what you want is being refused. Really, if you want to receive grown-up privileges, it’s only reasonable that you develop mature communication skills. How can you do so?

Learn to control your emotions. Good communication requires self-control. The Bible states: “All his spirit is  what a stupid one lets out, but he that is wise keeps it calm to the last.” (Proverbs 29:11) So avoid whining, sulking, and throwing childish tantrums. Admittedly, you may feel like slamming the door or stomping around the house when your parents restrict you. However, such behavior will probably lead to more rules​—not to more freedom.

Try to see your parents’ point of view. Tracy, a Christian youth in a single-parent family, says, “I ask myself, ‘What is my mother trying to accomplish with her rules?’” Tracy’s conclusion? “She’s trying to help me become a better person.” (Proverbs 3:1, 2) Showing such empathy may help you to communicate effectively with your parents.

For example, suppose your parents are reluctant to let you attend a certain gathering. Instead of arguing, you could ask, “What if a mature, trustworthy friend came along with me?” Your parents may still not grant your  request. But if you understand their concerns, you have a better chance of suggesting an acceptable option.

Build your parents’ confidence in you. Imagine a man who owes money to a bank. If he makes his payments regularly, he’ll earn the bank’s trust and the bank may even extend more credit to him in the future. It’s similar at home. You owe your parents your obedience. If you prove trustworthy​—even in small things—​your parents are likely to trust you more in the future. Of course, if you continually let your parents down, don’t be surprised if they reduce or even close your “line of credit.”

When a Rule Has Been Broken

Sooner or later, you’re likely to cross the line​—fail to do your chores, talk too long on the phone, or miss a curfew.  (Psalm 130:3) Then you’ll have to face your parents! How can you keep a bad situation from getting worse?

Speak the truth. Do not tell tall tales. If you do, that would only undermine any remaining trust your parents have in you. So be honest and specific about details. (Proverbs 28:13) Avoid justifying or minimizing what happened. And always remember that “an answer, when mild, turns away rage.”​—Proverbs 15:1.

Apologize. Expressing regret over the worry, disappointment, or extra work you caused is appropriate and may reduce the severity of your punishment. However, your sorrow must be sincere.

Accept the consequences. (Galatians 6:7) Your first response may be to dispute the punishment, especially if it  seems unfair. However, taking responsibility for your actions is a sign of maturity. Your best option may simply be to work at regaining your parents’ confidence.

Write here which of the above three points you need to work on most. ․․․․․

Remember, your parents have the responsibility to exercise reasonable control over your actions. Thus, the Bible speaks of “the commandment of your father” and “the law of your mother.” (Proverbs 6:20) Nevertheless, you need not feel that house rules will ruin your life. On the contrary, if you submit to your parents’ authority, Jehovah promises that, in the long run, it will “go well with you”!​—Ephesians 6:1-3.

READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 3

IN OUR NEXT CHAPTER

Do you have a parent who is addicted to drugs or alcohol? Find out how you can cope.

KEY SCRIPTURE

“Honor your father and your mother . . . that it may go well with you.”​—Ephesians 6:2, 3.

TIP

If you want your parents to give you more freedom, first build a record of abiding by their rules. When you have a track record of being obedient, they’ll be more likely to grant your requests.

DID YOU KNOW . . . ?

Research shows that youths whose parents lovingly enforce rules are more likely to excel academically, to interact well with others, and to be happy.

ACTION PLAN!

If I break a house rule, I will say ․․․․․

I can build my parents’ trust in me by ․․․․․

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is ․․․․․

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● Why might your parents seem overly protective of you at times?

● Why do you sometimes overreact to restrictions?

● How can you improve your communication with your parents?

[Blurb on page 183]

“When you’re young, you tend to think you know everything. So when your parents restrict you, it’s easy to get upset with them. But their rules are really for the best.”​—Megan

[Box on page 186]

Is It Really Favoritism?

Have you ever wondered, ‘Why can’t parents treat everyone exactly the same?’ If so, consider this fact: Equal treatment isn’t always fair, and fair treatment isn’t always equal. Really, the question is, Are your needs being neglected? For instance, when you need your parents’ advice, help, or support, are they there for you? If so, can you honestly say that you’re the victim of injustice? Since you and your siblings are individuals with different needs, it just isn’t possible for your parents to treat all of you the same way all the time. That’s what Beth came to appreciate. Now 18, she says: “My brother and I are two different people and need to be treated differently. Looking back, I can’t believe I couldn’t see that when I was younger.”

 [Box/​Picture on page 189]

Worksheet

Talk to Your Parents!

The preceding two chapters have discussed how you can deal with parental criticism and house rules. What if you feel that your parents are being too harsh in either or both of these areas? How could you open up a discussion with them about it?

● Pick a time when you’re relaxed and your parents aren’t too busy.

● Speak from the heart, but don’t be ruled by your emotions. Accord your parents due respect.

If you feel that your parents are overly critical, you could say: “I’m trying hard to do what’s right, but it’s difficult when I feel that I’m being criticized all the time. Can we talk about it?”

Write below how you would open up a discussion with your parents about this subject.

․․․․․

✔ TIP: Use Chapter 21 to break the ice. Perhaps your parents will be willing to discuss the material in that chapter with you.

If you feel that your parents are not allowing you enough freedom, you could say: “I’d like to show myself more responsible so that in time I can be granted more freedom. What do you think I should work on?”

Write below how you could open up a discussion with your parents about this subject.

․․․․․

✔ TIP: Review Chapter 3 in Volume 1. Then make a list of any questions you may have about what you read.

[Picture on page 184, 185]

Obeying your parents’ rules is like paying off a debt to the bank​—the more reliable you are, the more trust (or credit) you will receive